HOW DO YOU TALK TO SOMEONE WHO’S FACING CANCER?

Having had breast cancer twice within a space of six years, you may imagine I’d be quite good at talking to others who are facing a cancer diagnosis. In truth, it’s the hardest thing.

After all, we are all (emotionally) wired differently, as each of us navigates our own unique set of circumstances. Add chemotherapy into the mix and you can expect some serious mood swings throughout the cycles of treatment.

As a patient, you do get to know your own pattern of emotions on the days and weeks following a chemo treatment. Drowsy, tearful, angry and foggy were amongst mine, but usually by the third week I’d be back to ‘almost’ me again, just in time to face the next cycle of treatment.

I was very fortunate to have had good support from my friends and family who checked in on me regularly but without suffocating me with sympathy. My daughters were my lifeline, and my husband steered me along the way; they learned to ride along with my erratic emotions and always continued to treat me as me.

There were times when as a family, we reached out for help, and there were also countless times when we needed complete space and privacy – and we didn’t want to feel guilty for this.

I know just how (over) sensitive I was at times, but because I was free to ride these mood swings, I would emerge from them feeling ok, and fit to embrace the next phase of the journey.

In my book, ‘See the Colour in the Clouds’ I recall how I lost the plot completely when my sister-in-law arrived to make up batches of soup for my freezer. She had made a 200 mile round-trip to make this happen, buying ingredients on route. Looking back on this now I try to understand why I reacted so badly. I think it was the ‘turning up as a surprise’ when my mum was staying to help me, that threw me and sent me spiralling into frustration, feeling incapable and like an invalid.

Another ‘NO-NO’ for me was when people attempted to give me advice (to try to make me feel more optimistic) when they had no certainty or understanding of the complex facts. “No news is good news” was a prime example of this. I would strongly urge people to never ever say this to someone, because quite simply, this is often not the case.

Overwhelmingly, if I meet someone facing a cancer diagnosis, I try to approach them with sensitivity, open-ness and honesty. Letting someone know that you’re there for them is really important, but even more so, is respecting their wishes on the way in which you might help them.

I often try to pass on the best bits of advice I had from some close friends who work in the field of medicine. Firstly, the importance of keeping your routines and daily rituals as normal as humanly possible so as to not let cancer rule you. Another nugget of wisdom was to take small steps, day by day, so that the enormity of it all doesn’t become completely consuming. In my experience, the path you tread through cancer treatment can be prone to a few detours on route and so taking small steps forward gives you the flexibility to regroup.

One of my friends made me a chocolate and Guinness cake because she knew I had an iron deficiency. She didn’t ring the bell – just left it on the doorstep, disappeared and texted. It was a wonderful heartfelt act of kindness, and the cake was delicious! Others sent cards, letters, magazines and books as extensions of their bonds. Receiving these gifts in such a quiet way was such a genuine gesture of friendship.

And whilst it’s never easy trying to get the right balance and stay tuned to the changing moods of someone you care for, it’s always worth remembering that you can just ask ‘if’ and ‘how’ you may be able to help them. There is no doubt in my mind that they will thank you for letting them lead the way.

‘See the Colour in the Clouds’ by Stefanie Sixsmith
– Autobiography and Memoir
Published 30th November 2021 by Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®
Available to buy from:
www.austinmacauley.com/book/see-colour-clouds
Also available from: Amazon.co.uk. Amazon.com Waterstones Barnes & Noble
and other retailers.

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